The Ultimate Christmas Crying List

Some of us are criers. Some of us can’t look at firework spectaculars or watch old people dance without getting choked up. You know what I mean.  Like how when you were in middle school and you would invite all your friends over to watch Steel Magnolias and then you would compete to see who could cry the hardest? No? Just me-ok. The Greeks had a word for this vicarious getting out of your ya-yas: catharsis. The side benefits of this emotional outpouring are numerous. For example, to this very day, I can recite (verbatim) Sally Field’s cemetery monologue, complete with hand gestures and accent. But, more than that, catharsis allows the audience to express, embrace, and release emotion.

Now, where does Christmas come in? Well, this year I have been struggling to find the holiday spirit and this is pretty unusual for me. In fact, lately I’ve been more than a little Scrooge-esque.  So, I am going on a self-imposed crash diet of Christmas catharsis. I am going to re-watch every holiday film that has ever made me cry. If you are likewise struggling to get in the spirit of the season, I strongly recommend the following "So it's the Holidays and I Need to Cry” List.

Sob Inducing Scene #1

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Directed by George Seton

Santa Claus (as played by the superb Edmund Gwynn) shows the true magic of Christmas when he is able to communicate with a Dutch orphan. The look on the little girl’s face and then her adoptive mother’s face...Let’s simplify this equation: 

Holocaust survivor + Santa Clause = How am I even typing this I’m crying so hard

Sob Inducing Scene #2

The Bishop's Wife (1947)

Directed by Henry Koster

Cary Grant plays an angel, sent from heaven, to help a bishop (David Niven) realize that instead of building a big, ol’ honking cathedral, he should just focus on the people in his life. Loretta Young plays the, you guessed it, bishop’s wife.  In this scene, angel and wife visit the bishop’s old parish to watch a performance by a group of intercity choir boys. I love how Cary-angel knows everyone’s names, directs musical traffic, and is so gosh darn charming. The moment where the boys rise angelically- cue the musically timed tears.

Sob Inducing Scene #3

White Christmas (1954)

Directed by Michael Curtiz

"What do you do with a general, when he stops being a general?" I love this movie. I have loved White Christmas forever. I love the singing, the dancing, the costumes, Bing Crosby's ears, and Danny Kaye's infectious giggle, but most of all I love Dean Jagger's portrayal of General Waverly. Without him, this movie just wouldn't work. He is the heart of the film. Make sure to also watch the ending scene which parallels this one. You will cry.

Sob Inducing Scene #4

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Directed by Brian Henson

It's no secret that I love everything having to do with the Muppets and Michael Caine (aka the best Ebenezer Scrooge ever). But, this next film is more than just muppetry or men with British accents. Jim Henson (the creator of the Muppets) died shortly before the movie was made and many believed, at the time, that his death also marked the end of the Muppets. Muppet Christmas Carol isn't just a beautiful tribute to Jim Henson, it is also proof that what he created would carry on. His son Brian actually directed this film and I can't help but feel that it truly is a love letter to his father.

Sob Inducing Scene #5

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

Directed by Vincente Minnelli

Meet Me in St. Louis is not only one of the greatest Christmas movies ever made, it is also one of the greatest movies ever made- period! In this scene, Esther Smith (Judy Garland) is explaining to her younger sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) that although they have to move they will still be together. Recognize the song? This film also debuted the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Originally, the lyrics were so depressing that Garland refused to sing them to sweet little Margaret O'Brien. Words were changed and now here we have one of the sweetest scenes ever captured on film.

Sob Inducing Scene #6

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Directed by Frank Capra 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say that they hate a movie that they've never really seen. There are so many people who make fun of this film for being corny, sappy, and yes even schmaltzy. But, this film is nothing short of miraculous in my eyes. It was not a big hit upon its initial release. People went into theaters expecting slapstick and what they got was a man contemplating suicide. This movie is funny and sad, silly and serious, because guess what- that's what life is actually like. The final scene where George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) decides he wants to live and then that bell rings...all I can say is happy Catharsis Christmas everyone!

Smorgasbord Monday

Is it still Monday? Yes! Well then, the time has come the walrus said for a weekly helping of internet delights!


First off, breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day and apparently also the one with the most slow-mo. This video is totally haunting and will leave you shouting, "3 second rule!" Watch and see.

Ever take a color personality quiz? Hop on over to http://www.colorquiz.com/ 

Apparently, a lot can be learned by the colors you are drawn to. Take this quiz and find out if the results are accurate for you. Turns out, I long to be more spontaneous and impulsive. So, that's why I ate that Worther's Original I found in the bottom of my purse today. Clearly, I was craving spontaneity and the taste of pennies.

(image via imdb)

Speaking of insanity: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Directed in 1963, by none other than Stanley Kramer (director of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Inherit the Wind, and Judgement at Nuremberg). This guy knew how to direct an ensemble and what an ensemble this film has. It is a who's-who cast of comedy legends (Ethel Merman, Buddy Hacket, Spencer Tracey, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar...the list goes on). Basically, when they were shooting the film, actors kept on showing up on set and asking if they could play too (Jack Benny what are you doing here?) 


I was six when I first saw this film. I had just had my tonsils removed and was recuperating on my living room sofa. I watched this next scene and laughed till it literally hurt. My mom came in when she heard the gurgling sounds of painful mirth. I don't regret a moment of it and so what if I'm now an unfortunate mute (just kidding...never make fun of mutes). In this scene, Phil Silvers character has convinced these two gas station attendants that Jonathan Winters is an escaped mental patient. They are trying to capture Winters. Actually, Winters is playing a sweet tempered truck driver pushed to his limits in a cross-country treasure hunt. Your basic, simple plot. Watch. Enjoy. Have a great week and try not to throw anyone through a wall :)

Smorgasbord Monday

Time for Smorgasbord Monday and a buffet of petite web-delights! Let's nosh! 


"Hey You Guys!" These art prints by Jerod Gibson @ 37 posters are blowing my mind. I've got my eyes on this perfect representation of my favorite film The Goonies. WANT.

(via pullpinhold)

I really relate to this next video "David After the Dentist." See, between the ages of 8 and 12, I had 6 baby and 4 adult teeth pulled. That's a lot of teeth and a lot of trips to the oral surgeon. After the last round of extractions, my dad bought me a tetherball set for the backyard. I think he figured he'd save money if I just smacked myself in the mouth with a hard plastic ball. There is nothing sadder than an awkward pre-teen playing tetherball by herself. Nothing. God, I love tetherball and I love this video. 

Funny ladies, represent! If you have not seen Bridesmaids yet, then what the heck is wrong with you? It was hands-down the best film (comedic or otherwise) of the summer and that is largely thanks to the genius of Melissa McCarthy. Her performance as "Megan" was the stuff that legends are made of. I'm talking layered, 3-dimensional, hysterical, fearless character work. Proof (as if we needed it) that women can not only get the joke, but also the laugh to go with it. Read this article from GQ about why Melissa McCarthy is changing the way women are being portrayed in Hollywood.

(via GQ)

So, here's to a Labor Day filled with baby ruths, missing teeth, and funny ladies. Hope you had great one!

Regrets of a Netflix Ho

First assignment: we have homework due for Writing I. We are each to show our particular point of view by writing a monologue based on one of our own minor peccadilloes or comedic flaws. I choose to expose my secret life as a pop culture junkie.

REGRETS OF A NETFLIX HO

Dear Netflix Watch Instantly:

I am writing to thank you for ruining my life. In the Spring of 2010, you offered me a free trial and you knew what you were doing. After a taste of your “stuff” (aka 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) I was hooked. Since that day I have accomplished nothing and I will never regain the countless hours I have spent glued to my computer monitor watching your legalized digital crack. But, why should you care? You've got my nine dollars and ninety-nine cents a month. That's a pretty cheap price for somebody's soul and that is what it is, my soul. I might have made something of my life, but now we will never know. We will never know what I would have been capable of if not for you. I could have been a doctor, probably not, but I might have. I could have cured cancer. You destroyed any chance the world will ever have of finding a cure for cancer. Right now, I could have been married, or even pregnant. You cost me my imaginary baby and I can't forgive you for that, hard as I try. You are a killer of dreams, unrealistic fantasies and you give people cancer. In a world without you, I suspect that I would be happier, wealthier, and taller. Yes taller, you pusher! I know that I would be tanner, if not for all those hours spent inside my room glazed over with your stash (I watched Poltergeist 3 times, it was really good); I could have been tanner; I could have been somebody.

I have given you my youth and my self-respect; but, you want more. For now you have delivered the final blow, the final indignity. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The five complete seasons of Rod Serling's Original Twilight Zone circa 1959-1963 you just released? A series which you yourself describe as being, “groundbreaking and relating humor tinged tales that touch on supernatural subjects such as alien invasions, xenophobia, time travel and dream logic” with 137 episodes of creepy hitchhikers, pig people, three eyed martian men. In the name of God, how is a girl supposed to resist something like that? I don't expect you to answer that. There are certain questions that none of us can answer.

Please understand. I am not blaming you; I am merely asking you to take full responsibility for my actions. I am a proud woman, but I lose myself when I'm with you. Now, it's too late. I will never do anything again and you have to live with that fact. You've built your castle on my carcass of dried up dreams and my $9 and 99 cent future.

Sincerely,

Maren Lovgren

P.S. Enclosed please find my check for the month of July