First assignment: we have homework due for Writing I. We are each to show our particular point of view by writing a monologue based on one of our own minor peccadilloes or comedic flaws. I choose to expose my secret life as a pop culture junkie.
REGRETS OF A NETFLIX HO
Dear Netflix Watch Instantly:
I am writing to thank you for ruining my life. In the Spring of 2010, you offered me a free trial and you knew what you were doing. After a taste of your “stuff” (aka 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) I was hooked. Since that day I have accomplished nothing and I will never regain the countless hours I have spent glued to my computer monitor watching your legalized digital crack. But, why should you care? You've got my nine dollars and ninety-nine cents a month. That's a pretty cheap price for somebody's soul and that is what it is, my soul. I might have made something of my life, but now we will never know. We will never know what I would have been capable of if not for you. I could have been a doctor, probably not, but I might have. I could have cured cancer. You destroyed any chance the world will ever have of finding a cure for cancer. Right now, I could have been married, or even pregnant. You cost me my imaginary baby and I can't forgive you for that, hard as I try. You are a killer of dreams, unrealistic fantasies and you give people cancer. In a world without you, I suspect that I would be happier, wealthier, and taller. Yes taller, you pusher! I know that I would be tanner, if not for all those hours spent inside my room glazed over with your stash (I watched Poltergeist 3 times, it was really good); I could have been tanner; I could have been somebody.
I have given you my youth and my self-respect; but, you want more. For now you have delivered the final blow, the final indignity. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The five complete seasons of Rod Serling's Original Twilight Zone circa 1959-1963 you just released? A series which you yourself describe as being, “groundbreaking and relating humor tinged tales that touch on supernatural subjects such as alien invasions, xenophobia, time travel and dream logic” with 137 episodes of creepy hitchhikers, pig people, three eyed martian men. In the name of God, how is a girl supposed to resist something like that? I don't expect you to answer that. There are certain questions that none of us can answer.
Please understand. I am not blaming you; I am merely asking you to take full responsibility for my actions. I am a proud woman, but I lose myself when I'm with you. Now, it's too late. I will never do anything again and you have to live with that fact. You've built your castle on my carcass of dried up dreams and my $9 and 99 cent future.
Sincerely,
Maren Lovgren
P.S. Enclosed please find my check for the month of July
