My Ridiculous Nook Meltdown

I haven’t written in a while. My excuses are numerous, but my main raison d’(not) etre is that times have been genuinely cruddy. The high point of my weekend was eating an entire pumpkin and then performing an autobiographical-cabaret-number on my sister’s message machine. She was at a party with friends and I was in my flannel pjs singing lyrics like, “Hey there, little sister. I don’t want to get a blister from all the times I’ve called you and you haven’t called me back. I kind of miss yer, little sister. Did you watch tv today? Cause I did.” Oh, to be young and to be alive. Someday, I’ll write down my pitiful grievances, but not today, mostly because they would make me seem highly petty and incredibly stupid. Basically, the last few weeks have been a blur, and not the good kind.

We’ll jump to today. My dad (who really is a wonderful dad) recently gave me his nook. Turns out, he prefers real books and he is also the most generous of men. I have to say this because it’s true and also because I’m not going to look so hot in a few seconds.

I had been reading some blogs about autoimmune disorders (it was that kind of weekend) and I discovered these self-help books targeted towards unhappy people with thyroid disorders. I was reading up on Amazon about how these books had changed the lives of dozens of sluggish people and I just thought to myself, “I MUST read these books. I must read them now. I know...NOOK!”

I grabbed my old Barnes & Noble gift certificates from two Christmases ago. Now, was the time. This was my moment.

I went on to B & N, created an account, and bought the books faster than you can say “impulse purchase.” Then, I tried to transfer the books to the Nook and they wouldn’t go. They would NOT go. I started to panic, just a little.

Me: Dad, I bought these important books and now I can’t load them on the Nook. They won’t take. They won’t hold. They won’t latch on. They’re not thriving. They like won’t imprint or echo or pass through to the other side. So,I guess what I’m asking is should I just press the nook up to the computer screen? Or do I use a cord? Or a USB? Or do they just wirelessly register across the room into the nook? Like they naturally migrate...like swallows. Should I open a window or a door? Or do I need to create another account to load from my account to your account? Should I turn everything off? Or should I turn everything on? Should I turn it off and then on really fast? Or should I push both the on and the off buttons at the same time? Or, should I move it in a figure 8 motion? Should I give it space or time? Because I could take a walk and check back in. Should I blow the entry port for dust? Because I already did that. Twice.

Dad: I don’t know. I just always buy the books on the nook.

Me: I didn’t know that was an option.

Dad: Yup. I have no idea what you should do now.

Me: Well...I HAD A GIFT CERTIFICATE!!! (pause) I FAIL AT LIFE!!! 

(Maren runs down hallway sobbing and clutching the Nook)

5 hours later...after searching Google with key terms like:

-Trouble downloading ebook from B & N site to Nook

-Trouble transferring ebook purchase to Nook

-Trouble downloading stupid ebook to the   stupid Nook

-The many ways Nooks suck and how to fix them

-Oprah is a know-it-all

-I hate the Nook...help!

-I hate the Nook...and I hate my life...help?

-I hate

I finally figured it out and it was really stupid and I had to hop through more hoops than a cat in a cat circus. In nook-speak, my file had the wrong name. So,I re-named it: “ihatenook.epub.”  Yes, I had a complete break down over the fact that I wasn’t able to download digital books about stress management and read them off a magic tablet.  But, I was finally able to download the books ironically entitled You Can Heal Your Life and You Can Create an Exceptional Life. I think I already have. I am a wackadoo. That is life and it’ll get better and it’s already pretty good.

I started reading the introduction to one of the books and it’s talking about how our minds create drama and conflict and I’m thinking, “Mmmmm...I don’t know anyone like that...”

Smorgasbord Monday

Good Monday to you all! I cannot wait to share some of the internet gems I stumbled upon over the last week. Let's begin!

(via ritzybee)

I love both the style and the sentiment of this work of art created by artist Becky Murphy. She even does custom wood designs...mmmm...now I know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas. Somebody grab me my saw!

(via google images)

Julia Child was and is the embodiment of sheer fearless joy. In many ways she reminds me of my Grandma Glenna (a ballsy dame if ever there was one). I recently re-watched Julie & Julia. I wasn't crazy about it when I saw it at the theatre, but once at home, I just fast forwarded through all the modern bits and focused on vintage Julia. Voila! It was the best movie ever. So when I saw this post, "10 Career Lessons by Julia Child," I knew I had to share it with you. Bon appetit!


Last, but absolutely not-least, we have "Lily's Disneyland Surprise." This little lady is turning 6 and she's about to find out that she's going to Disneyland. I love everything about this video, but my favorite part has to be when she gets so excited that she forgets when her birthday is. Seriously, Disney should use this as an ad. WATCH and DELIGHT:

(via huffingtonpost.com)

I think we could all take a lesson from Lily and get crying-excited once in a while. So, here's to a Monday filled with childish-chef-tree-wisdom and maybe a few happy tears.

How to Write a "To Do" List

I do not pretend to be the world’s greatest list-maker, but I do claim to be on the short-list of the world’s greatest list-makers. I come from a long line of list makers. I make “To Do” lists and “To Don’t” lists. Since I was a little girl I have made lists. 

This would be a prototypical list from a six-year old me:

1. Wake up
2. Grow new teeth
3. Don't brush the teeth I've got (they're going to fall out anyways)
4. Travel Extensively
5. Learn how to read

As I got older, I wrote more lists.

This would be a prototypical list from a sixteen-year old me:

1. Wake up
2. Grow boobs
3. Climb a mountain
4. Become a more authentic human being who has boobs and can climb a mountain
5. Make a mixed cd with the theme “mountains”

You get the picture. Yes, I usually start my lists with “wake up,” because I figure that everyday this is one goal (barring any unforeseen comas) that I can achieve. So, the other day, when I was sitting at McDonald’s enjoying my daily ice cream cone-meditation-time, I wrote a list. I think that it might very well be my favorite list of all time (right next to the Bill of Rights).

Here it goes...

(This was not written on March 7-13...I just like to relive the past by recycling)

TO DO

WRITE

PERFORM

BE A PERSON

DON'T BUY IN or SELL OUT

DRINK MORE WATER

GET A TRAMPOLINE

I write lists because I love the idea that my days can be filled with possibility. We are our lists. We are our goals. Don’t get me wrong. Lists can also be for chores, grocery trips, and the day-to-day mechanics of life. But, we can and should insert ourselves between the items. “Pick up the dry cleaning,” and “Pay bills,” but don’t forget to add in a little space for “Dance,” or “Perfect your imitation of Daniel Day Lewis.” Our lists, like our lives, should be filled with the ordinary wonderfulness of losing teeth, growing boobs, and waking up.

Smorgasbord Monday

Poor Monday, always a source of new week-itis. Let's change all that. Shall we?

via google images

"Climb up, gerranium!" There are some things that you just can't un-see. Once they get in, they get in. On A Clear Day You Can See Forever is one of those things. It may be one of the most influential films of my childhood and perhaps my favorite musical about reincarnation (because there are so many:) The movie was made in 1970 and was very very loosely based on the stage musical of the same name. Lyrics are by Alan Jay Lerner (of My Fair Lady fame). Yes, it was directed by the genius Vincente Minelli. Yes, it stars Barbra Streisand as a flower serenading psychic. Yes, you should fast forward through any scene with Yves Montand. That French man poodle. 


Anyhoo, this opening number just sets the perfect creepy-1960s-joyful-exuberance needed to welcome any Monday. Warning these images will stick with you and as an adult you may find yourself skipping through random gardens and singing "R.S.V.P. Peonies..."

"Hurry! It's Lovely Up Here"

From flower-singing to webcam working. Esther and Bruce Huffman are senior citizens living at the Hillside Retirement Community in McMinnville, Oregon. They are also instant viral video sensations. I LOVE this couple. Watch it. They honestly have no idea the camera is on.

(via huffingtonpost)

Apparently, texting can be humorous. It can be especially humorous when you get your parents involved. Check out parentsshouldnttext.com I spent an hour on this site yesterday and couldn't stop laughing. On a side note: my mom has never texted me. But I did once receive a text pic from dad of a giant crow...

(via parentsshouldnttext.com)

Have a great Monday, everyone. May it be filled with texting-web-cam-flowerpot-grandparents!

THE BIGGEST FRICKIN' SPIDER EVER

This spider is the size of a rotisserie chicken: that was my first thought. 

Back it up. I was walking down the hallway to my bedroom, when I made the mistake of looking up. A SPIDER stared back at me. But, this was no typical spider. This was a SPIDER so big that I think it might have had an undiagnosed thyroid condition. This was a SPIDER so big that it could have moonlighted as an ottoman. This was a SPIDER so big that I'm pretty sure it had grown up eating steak and babies.

I have no choice but to kill you: that was my second thought.

I want to go on record. I'm not normally bothered by bugs. With the exception of having seen the trailer for Arachnaphobia at a sensitive age, bugs have never been a phobia of mine. Eels, yes. Spiders, no. Also, I'm opposed to the death penalty and generally this does extend to insects. But, there was just something about this SPIDER. It was huge and it knew where I slept. It couldn't be allowed to live. But, how should I proceed?

I couldn't just smash it. It would leave a mark the size of Lake Michigan on the ceiling. Yes, I would have to use a tool of some sort. A magazine, a magazine would be perfect for sweeping it off the ceiling. Then, then I would have to crush it. It was the only way. But, what to crush it with? 

I searched through my piles of reading material. I didn't want to use a book I liked. I couldn't use a book that had some function or utility. So, I settled on the most entirely worthless book in my personal library- The Pocket Monologue Book For Women. This book consists of monologues written for the discerning actress who dreams of reciting speeches about scrunchies, menstrual cycles, and men who won't commit.

Scene of the Crime

I grabbed my Pottery Barn catalogue in one hand and the monologue book in the other. I jumped up and with a flicking gesture reminiscent of a tennis serve shot the SPIDER across the hall. I swear the thing caught air. It sailed like a furry frisby and landed with a thud. It turned and glared at me. Then, we danced. Oh, yes. We danced. Lunge to the left. Lunge to the right. "You shall not pass!" I cried as I plopped the pocket guide down on insect opponent. With a primal scream, I stepped on the pocket book. The sound that emanated was that of a giant chewing chicken bones. Then came the silence.

I gave SPIDER a burial at sea and flushed it down the toilet. For a moment, I felt calm. Then I remembered the lyrics from the well-known-arachnid-ditty:

The its bitsy spider

Climbed up the water spout

Now, the thing not only knows where I sleep, but also where I do other things as well…I sit and I wait. Till we meet again, old friend. Till we meet again.

Smorgasbord Monday

Happy Monday everyone! I've got so much to share with you this week. So, in that spirit, take a peek at marc johns print: 

"Okay Let's Do This"

This video has been sweeping the internet and I honestly don't remember where I saw it first. It will make you want to dance and be trendy. Yay!

Ever wanted to go to Yale in your pajamas? Yeah, me neither, but I recently discovered the awesome world of free online lectures at Open Yale Courses. Today, I watched a lecture from Professor Paul Bloom's Intro to Psychology. I feel enlightened already!

(via google images)

Do you like the world of cataloguing? Do you like comedy? If so, catalogliving is the site for you. This site offers a "glimpse into the exciting world of the people living in your catalogues." Meet Gary and Elaine of 1234 Fake Street, Anytown, USA. See how they live. Trust me, you will chuckle.

The caption for this shot reads: "It's still a few hours until dinner, but if you're hungry please help yourself to a pear, artichoke, or small wrapped gift."

(via catalogliving)

Ready for some Halloween fun? This little lady does the best demo of how to create a sunflower look. Madison is a first-grader/future leader of America. She is charming, confident, and she even has her own catch phrase: "Chika chika wow wow!" 

Wow Wow is right.

(via huffingtonpost)

Hope you're all going to have a sunflower-joggingsuit-catologue reading-educational kind of week. Be safe and kick it old school!

How to be Camping Chic

In my last post, I talked about my family's yearly camping trip to Butt Lake. So, continuing the love affair with camping, let's take an in-depth look at the outdoor-vacationing lifestyle and celebrate "Joi de Camping." For my two cents, there are few pleasures in life as delightful as flannel, periodic s'more buffets and campfire hijinks. Here are some key tips to styling your next dust-bound excursion:

#1 EMBRACE THE DIRT

Walking around with a chapstick-induced mud mustache is just part of the full experience. Go with it! 

#2 WE RISE AT DAWN (or 1215)

Some of us are morning people and well, some of us are not. That's ok. When you're camping, you get to sleep or not sleep in as much as you want. Below: see Claire and see me. Guess who is the morning person?

# 3 ACCESSORIZE WITH...A STYLISH HAT

Nothing says glamour like a chic chapeau or in my case an old hat I bought at the local hardware store five years ago. I think it might have once been worn by a dead fisherman. Lo and Natasha bought their hats at the dollar store in town. Hats add mystery and sun-protection to the camping world.

#4 ACCESSORIZE WITH...BANDANAS AND CAPES

A few years back, all us campers went through a serious bandana kick and well it just keeps kicking. They are practical, colorful, and can be worn in numerous ways. Doesn't Angela look pretty in pink? 

Side Benefit of the Bandana: You can channel Rhoda Morgenstern anytime you want 

I am loving this towel that my cousin Callen turned into a cape. My (capeless) Uncle Lee looks pretty handsome too

#5 DRESS LIKE A CAMP COUNSELOR

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but for reference take a look at the following films: Meatballs, Friday the 13th, The Parent Trap (1961), and of course, Wet Hot American Summer.

# 6 DON'T FORGET YOUR SUNGLASSES

You will go blind. That's all I've got to say about that.

Hello models!

Hayley is bringing the awesome

Stephen with his effortless cool

Mum

# 7 THE POWER OF THE PROP

In the wilderness, a photoshoot, like a bear attack, can happen any time. Don't be afraid to make adequate use of props (or firearms...)and scenery

Lottery Card = Instant Mystique

 My father is a great stationary equestrian

Everyone needs a Tom Selleck commemorative plate. Everyone.

Kirsten proves that a laundromat washing machine is the perfect background.

#8 WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, GIVE ME "DUST BOWL"

You may remember my discovery of a new modeling pose called, "Beware the Velociraptor." You can find that post here and voila, an example:

But, there is a pose that rivals even the velociraptor and that is, wait for it: "DUST BOWL." You know those haunting images of early 1930s migrant workers staring off into the horizon with a look of quiet desperation and crippling hunger. Yeah, we turned that into a pose. We're sensitive that way. I give you the "Dust Bowl." Use it for the powers of good.

                               STEVE                   LEE

                                HAYLEY                 TONI

            ANGELA                 CLAIRE

                           ME                      LUCY

GRANDPA actually lived through the Great Depression, so his representation I feel has a particular gravitas. In his words: "Oh, no I'm an Okie. DUST!"

So, whether you want to camp with style or want some style that's camp, here's to Camping Joi De Vivre and all the fun that comes with it!

The Essential "Butt" Rules of Camping

For over 50 years, my family has gone camping in Northern California for two weeks every summer. The vacations began when my mother was 5 and she went camping with her mother, father, and two brothers. Since then, the number of campers has grown. Every year, we have come together: family and also friends who have become like family. Some years, we have definitely passed the 100 camper mark. Yup, this trip has turned into a multi-generational hootenany and we wouldn't miss it for the world.

Did I mention where we camp? Well, it's this tiny little lake, a real gem. You probably haven't heard of it. Butt Lake? Not Butte. Not Buck. BUTT. It was named after a lovely man with the distinctive name of Horace Butt. For years, I tried to avoid saying the name. I think I even wrote a 3^rd grade paper entitled: “Butterfly Lake.” But, now the gig is up and I kind of even love the name. Eventually, you've just got to be proud of your Butt.

So, straight from the Butt, here are some tips useful tips for camping.

THE RULES OF CAMPING

1. “Rule Number One: Don't shoot me.” 
   
   
   
   
   
   It sounds simple. It is simple. Don't shoot me. These are the words that my father says to anyone who goes target shooting with him, but I think it's just a good rule of thumb. Don't shoot me. 

2. Embrace the beauty of nature. See the colors. Smell the smells. Hear the hears. Feel the feels. Rainbow connection it up.

3. Turn off your goshdarn phone, you moose head! Here is your chance to get away from it all, so don't botch your getaway. Turn off your phone; get rid of your computer; pretend “texting” is just an old fashioned term for leaving notes in peoples lunch boxes.
   
   
   
   
   
   These young teens (Chelsea and Lo) were initially bored...
   
   
   
   But this boredom soon led to the invention of a new brand of literate fly swatter.

4. Stock up on the necessities (donuts, marshmallows, trashy magazines).
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   At the lake, we like the simple things, but we also like to experiment. The day we discovered the nutella-graham cracker correlation...it was a good day. This year, we instituted “Butt Shake Hour.” Essentially this is what you do: get a cup, get a scoop of ice cream, get some milk, mix, enjoy. We just get crazy. Crazy, I tell you! Here are some of our favorite food combos:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   From Top Right Clockwise: Swedish Pancakes, Assorted Cakes, Taco Salad, Selection of Entenmann's Donuts

5. Get your game on. This year we played a lot of Monopoly (I was winning right up to the end...blast you States Avenue) 
   
   
   
   
   Matt (left) is losing, while I am winning!
   
   
   The Venuti Family also introduced us to the wonders of “Paper Telephone.” Here are the rules of Paper Telephone (aka pictionary without the social anxiety). If you don't like reading rules, just jump down to the drawings of marshmallows.

a. Hand every player a stack of papers (index size) equivalent in number to how many people are playing. For example, if you have 8 people playing, each player should have 8 pieces of paper.
b. Number your papers 1-8
c. Put your cards in orders. Start with number 1 on top and have number 8 on the bottom.
d. On card 1, each person should write a term (catchphrase, image, song title, movie title, quotation, truism etc.). This is in writing. We are not drawing...yet.
e. Each person then passes their pile of papers (with #1 on top) to the person to their right or left.
f. The person to the right or left (you pick) will take that term and draw their own unique artistic representation of it.
g. Here is the important step so listen up: Take card #1 and place it at the bottom of the pile. Card #2 (aka the picture) should be on top. This pile is then passed to the next person. They will look at the picture only and write down their title/term for what they are seeing.
h. The game goes on. Switching between drawing and interpretation.
i. At the end, when the piles have navigated the circle, you will all share the journey that your original term took. Believe me there will be some doozies. Marshmallow reunion forever!

 Yes, the Dragonfly is carrying a shank made from a toothbrush in a prison cell.

3 blind mice become 3 cool cats do a well choreographed dance routine

6. Locate your floatation device. Every year, we float down the Feather River. I tell you, there is nothing like taking a group of plastic dragons and inner tubes down a river. But, you've got to be safe. Seriously. You need a lifejacket and proper shoes. Then pretend you're Meryl Streep and you're in the The River Wild. We've all got to get our kicks somehow and being Meryl Streep is a great technique for this.

 Ian and his dragon prepare to take the river

What's around the river bend?

7. Soak in local culture. Butt Lake is located about a half hour away from the town of Chester. Someday I shall name my son or daughter Chester and he or she will be President or a really good speller or maybe even both. I really like Chester. It's a small town with a big heart and did I mention that there is a lot of great food?
   
   
   
   Check out this old fashioned soda fountain at Lassen Gift Co. They make the best milk shakes in the world.

Knotbumpers is the place to go for sandwiches and lumberjacks.

Who could not love the Burger Depot? Their burgers and their signs are poetry.

8. Get crafty. This was the year of the friendship bracelet and the tattooed table cloth. To make your own tattooed table cloth all you need is a sharpie, a vinyl cloth, and a sardonic wit.

S'more - 1 = S'less

9. Plan group activities. Most years, we end up caravaning to Susanville (about an hour away). We eat Jack N' the Box and go to the movies. We tend to see the least “serious” film option possible. In fact, we now call any blow-em-up-best-friend-is-a-monkey-inappropriate-comedy-complete-with-model-chipmunks-directed-by-M.-Night-Shayamalan-esque film a “Susanville” Movie, even when we don't see it in Susanville.

Max wants you to go to Jack N' the Box

 Delightful Angela from bigintheminiworld

The cutest couple ever: Matt and Claire. Claire wrote the best post about Butt Lake on her blog. Check it out!

 "Yes, sir, Captain America!"

 My cousin Callen

Aaron has his game face on!

10. Spend time together. It sounds hokey, but I feel really blessed to have this tribe of miscreants that I consider to be family. The fact that we get to spend two weeks out of every year together is just the icing on the cake. I realize now that some of the best moments of my life have been spent around campfires with these yokels. A lot of good has come from the Butt. So, I guess the lesson of this post is to grab some friends, buy some junk food, and set out for the great outdoors. 

Lovely ladies Lynn and Mom hanging out in Humbug Valley

 My awesome cousins Lo, Stephen, and Brian with the wonderful 

Grandpa Warren!

James and Callen looking chic in the back of that pick-up

Goodbye, Butt Lake. Until next year!